Have you ever been in a place in your life where you’re scared of something, and you claim to believe Gods promises but you can’t overcome whatever it is that is making you scared. I have recently got the opportunity to stare face to face with one of my biggest fears as a Christian and not completely have overcame that fear, but know and believe that God isn’t finished with me. I’m even almost afraid to tell what it is out of embarrassment. My biggest fear is dying. I think the reason why is because since 2003 when I had cancer I’ve had to live with a lot of chronic medical problems, being in and out of the hospital for years always wondering what was going to be next.

I am currently residing in a hospital and have been for 6 weeks for acute renal failure. At one point there was a short time that my labs were so high and out of balance and I was so sick that I thought that I was going to die and my doctors and medical team feared it as well. Because my kidney function numbers were continuing to soar I was transferred to a specialty hospital for ongoing dialysis with the high possibility it was going to be long term in the least. I was at the point I didn’t know if I could live with dialysis the rest of my life and part of me today believes that was a selfish thought. To be with our Lord would probably the biggest blessing one could have and I don’t completely understand why I would want to be so stuck to this temporary home. I have a wife and children , a family and other reasons why I say I don’t want to die, but mostly I want to think I can still be used here on earth by God.

While going through this sickness, especially the worst part all I could think about and talk to God about was God I’m not ready to go and Lord I don’t want to go. It was never about what Gods will is, it was all my will and there were a couple of friends that kept retelling me the story of Jesus in the Garden. See my biggest problem has always been my belief system, I believe yet I doubt. To me that seems to be still unbelief. How I learned my own plight is God gave me the opportunity to pray for a patient in this hospital and in my conversation with her she said she was afraid but she didn’t say why so we talk that God was right there with her and I asked her if she believed that and she said she believed it but was scared that she didn’t believe. I was literally in the same place this lady was. A verse and passage that came to my mind is Joshua 1:5 No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you: I will never leave you nor forsake you. The passage is Mark 9:14-29. I don’t know if any of that helped this lady, but when I got back to my room I started to shift my focus. I heard a message and my prayer started shifting. I started asked God for His wisdom and the strength to follow His Will no matther what it was and that no matter whether He called me home with Him or heal my kidneys I will serve Him in any way he chooses. I believe today as an answer to prayer my numbers have started going down and my kidneys are starting to repair. The way things were this can only be by the grace of God.

© Copyright By Bart Hickey, All Rights Reserved, 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014

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Comments
  1. Dave Gibbs says:

    BART,

    There have been times in recent past where they wanted to do dialysis on me and times where they had gave me less than 5 years to live… That was 10 yrs ago, I gave up on life! But here recently a lot changed I had a new test which told me I wasn’t stage 4 and they said my kidneys were functioning again, I for sure know it was GOD!!! I had already dealt with dying and for sure thought I had days, weeks or ???? All I know is that since I met you (again) and started reading your poems, I have had a different view on life… We are not promised tomorrow, and I am good with that… But with my every dying breathe I know ONE thing, God through you has let me know, live one breathe at a time and know the ones God puts in our path are there to make us hopefully help (just one) more soul we win…. HE WINS!!!!

    Dave

    • adopted80 says:

      Dave, I knew something might be going in wit you medically but hadn’t knew quite the extent. I am touched by your kind words and am honored and blessed that my work not only affects you bust also moves you. Thank you for connecting with me and for supporting my work. God Bless you

  2. I had a friend who wanted nothing more than to become a Christian missionary. While preparing for that, she came down w/ cancer. She never recovered. I could not understand why God would not use her. I realize now that He did. She took her faith into dark places, places where fear and death held temporary sway. Never mind the muffled voices, and the smell of antiseptics. Wherever she went, the light went with her. Wherever she went, Christ was there.

  3. What a wonderful, brave, wise post! I have struggled with many health issues. It is hard turning to God and trusting Him sometimes. Thank you for the inspiration.

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